Sometimes I think the hardest thing we face in this world is moving forward when things are tough. When things are going well it’s easy to keep on going. You look forward to what the next day brings. When I worked a 9 to 5 job for years and years Friday was my favorite day. Yes, I had to get up and go to work but I knew that as soon as quitting time rolled around I had a whole weekend of possibilities before me. So I was never quite as stressed as I slogged through the daily traffic fight. The hour commute home, twice the length of the morning commute, didn’t feel that bad. Mostly because I was thinking about all of the fun things I might do that weekend. Then Sunday evening would arrive and the anxiety and fear would set in. Another week of soul-draining 9 to 5 hell, too much time spent in my car going nowhere, and a job that seemed to be running backwards. Thus I missed a lot of Mondays. I just couldn’t face them. I ended up using almost all of my sick time for those days. I lied to my boss of course since back then you didn’t take days off for mental health reasons, just physical.
Today was a Monday, the first since I started back at college full time, that I really didn’t want to get up and go to class. My motivation was shot, I was tired, and part of me was tired of the classes I’m in. (Well, not my Creative Writing class but the rest, definitely.) Part of me is very ready for this semester to be done. And yet as I was walking back from lunch with the sun shining down, a cool breeze on my face, I was reminded of how lucky I am to be here. I’ve been given the rare opportunity to get back to school and study something that I’m actually interested in. Maybe even passionate about. I get to ride the bus, walk in the fresh air, learn about things I’d never choose to learn about on my own, and keep moving forward. This Monday started out as a day of dread and flagging motivation. Now it is yet another day where I ignored the doubt, fear, and anxiety to take that next step forward.
Looking back I wonder why I ever doubted myself. Yet I know tomorrow may bring back the same battle.
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