I sometimes wonder if I’ve waited too long to figure things out. Looking back to when I was much younger than I am now, I was a pretty confident kid. Not with the other kids around me or social situations in general, but with what I wanted and what I was going to do with my life. I know a good part of that was just lack of exposure to and experience with the world as it is. We all dream about what we want to be “when we grow up”. (at least I hope we all get a chance to do so) The problem with this though, is that we have no clue what it really means to grow up. Society has a pretty good idea, but that’s just a mixture of expectations, upbringing, and various pressures put upon us. We have our own ideas of course. For me, it was all about getting a great job. That seemed to be the key to happiness, stability, and well-being.

I was confident in this path I’d set myself all of the way up to college. I had some big expectations for my college experience. Fun was definitely a part of the equation, but more importantly I expected that I would be excited and satisfied that I was finally learning about my chosen vocation (Computer Science in this case). Of course, the reality was something else entirely. After putting up with all of the learning requirements in high school I was looking forward to choosing just what I wanted to learn. Well hold on there buddy, you’ve got a bunch of general education requirements you have to meet before you can even think about taking classes actually related to your major! Yeah, that was the first slap in the face. It’s not that I don’t understand why this is the case, but I was very impatient to get on with the whole process. Still, I decided to take my medicine and loaded down with the damn things. I took upwards of 18 credit hours my second semester in order to get the crap out of the way. So that first year was a big review of a lot of the crap I’d just got done with in high school. The biggest difference was just how little anyone cared if I showed up to my classes or not. Most of my classes didn’t take attendance so it was on me to make sure I showed up and learned enough to pass my tests. It was also a lot less busy that high school. It was a strange adjustment.

So it wasn’t until the second year that I finally had my first programming course. I was excited for that and I was also excited to have a room to myself. Like most schools, it was nearly impossible for a freshman to get a single room. I was a sophomore now though. These turned out to be two things I would regret. For the room thing, I hadn’t realized how much my roommate and friend from my freshman year had kept me on point. We’d encouraged each other to go to classes when we would have rather stayed in bed or whatever. Without that encouragement I had a much harder time making myself go to some of my more pointless classes. Still, now I had a course for my major. Great right? Well, no. I don’t know about anyone else, but having a programming class in an auditorium with hundreds of other students was not conducive to learning such a complicated progress. I wasn’t new to programming or anything, but I was all self-taught up to that part. I had (and still have) a lot of holes in what I knew. So the class was already a struggle. Add the terrible format onto that and I was horribly discouraged. As that first semester drew to a close I realized I couldn’t stick with my plan. It wasn’t what I’d expected at all. I didn’t want to do it anymore. So I left. Dropped out and joined the work force.

This was a big decision for me but the job market was much better back then. With my computer skills I was still able to land decent, but not great jobs. I bought a house at 20 or 21 and had a steady job for several years. I worked, saved for retirement, paid my taxes, tried to exercise and eat right, etc, etc, etc. I played by the rules and followed the herd. I did okay for awhile, but it became evident that my position was a dead end. I got little raises but I was never going to have the big success I’d dreamed of there. I didn’t stress too much about it most of the time though. I had plenty of time after all. Then the company I worked for was bought out and the layoffs started. I lasted a little over a year after that. I was one of the last people to leave in fact. The whole thing was a depressing experience though, watching the new parent company destroy everything piece by piece. I heard later that they eventually sold off what was left a couple of years later. Fun times. So after that, I wasn’t able to land another decent job that would support my house. I had to sell it, cash out my retirement to pay for the closing, and moved to another state with my sister. I bummed around for about a year doing short contract jobs, trying to find something good while I waited to go back to school. That didn’t happen though and I ended up joining the Navy.

I did six years in the service. When I came up for re-enlisting I wanted to switch jobs. That wasn’t an option though so I got out and ended up doing the same work as a civilian. That was a strange experience. It was nice not being in the military while still doing the job, but my experiences with the contracting companies were pretty bad. I spent the first two months of this year waiting to get paid. Never a good sing when your company can’t afford to pay its employees. So yet another layoff later, I came to the decision that I was going to take this opportunity to make some changes in my life. I’d gone with the flow for a long time. A really long time. I’m more than a little tired of that. So here I am, back home near my family and friends. I’m living with two of the greatest people I’ve ever known and we’re all making a real go at this. I have a chance to go back to college. (Let’s hope H.R. 357 passes soon!)  I also have the chance to do something I enjoy doing and possibly make a living doing it. I just wonder sometimes if it’s a bit too late?

I suppose I’ve been having a crisis of confidence for a couple of weeks now. I have a hard time sitting down and getting any writing done. Part of it is I’m just not happy with the section of the book I’m in right now. I’m struggling to bring it together. I know where it needs to go and I have a pretty good idea for the climax, but getting there has been tricky. I’m happy that I still have a feel for my characters. When I do manage to get into the flow of things I have no trouble being right there with them as things happen. I guess I just feel a bit overwhelmed at times. There are so many things I want to do, not just with this book or Stephen’s story, but with my writing in general. I’m almost certainly dwelling too much on the big picture instead of concentrating on the day to day tasks. Self-publishing is fun but very intimidating. Writing a book is the same. The funny thing is, I had an easier time writing the first book when I was working full time. At least it seems that way.

I’m not going to let this self-doubt beat me though. I truly am looking forward to getting back to school. It will be strange being the old guy in the class. I remember sitting with and older guy in my math logic class back in the day. He was actually in the military though I don’t remember which branch at this point. He had a wife and kids but was also doing the college thing. I do remember being impressed. I guess I get to see what it’s like on the other side.

I just hope I can pull this all off.